Things that mildly annoy and amuse me when working behind the bar.

For about two years now I’ve been doing bar work part-time and full-time and there are things some customers do that never cease to baffle and amuse me at the same time. I know, there are many of us who work or have worked in the catering industry and what I will talk about is probably nothing new to you. However..., why not put another post out there?  Just for fun. 

So here is a list of types of people that I would like to have an honest conversation with and ask some questions to. (It comes with a side dish of some irrelevant Parks and Recreation GIFs. You're welcome.)

The ‘that is so expensive’ and ‘how much?!’ people. Once and for all, I don’t make the decisions about the price of drinks in the bar. I do understand that you might be shocked about the amount of money you are about to spend on a pint of lager (because those are usually the ‘I don’t buy rounds’ people), but there is nothing I personally can do about it – so don’t give vent to your dissatisfaction at my expense.  

How do I make this sound less like a rant?

The 'look at me I have so much cash' people. These people quite often will just put all of their cash on the counter and then ask you to pick out the money for the drinks. All I want to ask is - do I look like a bird to you (is what she said)? Is this some kind of a 'feeding from the hand' scenario? Should I put my hand in your pocket and look for the money there? Count your own money.

The passive aggressive ‘can I order drinks??’ people. And by this I don’t mean the people who, I can tell, are being polite and that is their way of starting a conversation. The ‘can I order drinks??’ people are the ones who had to wait for five seconds for you to notice them and are now unhappy about it. Yes, you can order drinks. This is a bar. And you can also keep your pants on. 

Unless they’re on fire. You know – ‘liar, liar, pants on fire’? No?

Ok. 

The ‘recommend something to me’ people.  The issue with this is that they don’t even know whether they want beer or wine or a distilled ‘beverage’ (I find the word ‘beverage’ so strange that quotation marks seem necessary). Maybe narrow it down a bit? I recommend a *Taylor* swift decision.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes these people can be fun. And sometimes it’s busy and other customers are waiting. 

The ‘never respond to a “hello” from staff’ people. Hello. I. Am. Human. Acknowledge. My. Presence. Please. Oh, you’d like a drink now? Thank God! I was starting to worry I’m invisible. 

The ‘I’m waiting for my five pence change’ people. This is actually quite funny. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting your change back no matter how small it is. However, I always wonder about the level of awkwardness the customer feels when waiting for the few pennies, while it sometimes takes me a while to put through their order and give them the change.

The ‘conspicuous by trying to be casual’ loo visitors. Why not just say: ‘Hi, can I use your loo, please?’? Yes, you can. It’s not a crime. But it IS funny when you pretend to be interested in buying a drink. Or blatantly ignore everything on your way to the sacred throne. 

And lastly, people who joke about their drink being ‘on the house’.  Yes, I’ll pay for your drink even though your suit could pay for a few hundred of them.  You’re very funny. Also, now you’re probably the last person in the world to ever be considered for a ‘drink on the house’. 

There are, of course, more types of bar customers out there; these are just a few that I could remember on the spot. It used to really bug me to serve them, but now it’s kind of fun to recognise them on a busy night and smile at them no matter what. Nothing they can do if I’m being nice to them. Most of the people are nice anyway. Or super nice (if you know what I mean...Not that.) – a ‘thank you’ to those who leave a tip or get a drink for the bar staff. No one expects you to do that, so it is just very considerate...or drunk of you.

 

Also, I would like to use this platform to apologise to the guy that was the unfortunate victim of me accidentally saying ‘that will be sex twenty...umm, please’ instead of ‘six twenty’. It was probably obvious that your drink would not cost you sex and twenty pence on top of that. but still. I was distracted and if it makes you feel better – I think it was the first time in my life I blushed.