Petty tips: How to amuse yourself at someone else’s expense.

Today I ruined my friend’s sneeze, as weird as it sounds. What an achievement. No, of course not, but it was amusing. You know that moment, when someone is about to sneeze and they stop and stare into blank space anticipating the satisfying (yet risky in public) imaginary snot air balloon? Well, my friend was there, and I looked at her and simply said: ‘No’. It worked. She was not happy. I personally think it was well deserved; she sneezes very loudly, it scares me.

 

Anyway, I love these kinds of little everyday things and this made me think of other tricks that work well within the subtle art of annoying people you love.

Pretend yawns.

Simple but highly entertaining if you’re in a childish mood. For that one person who doesn’t know what ‘pretend yawns’ are – you pretend to yawn...and it is one of the laws of nature that people around you will have the urge to yawn as well. Repeat as many times as necessary to annoy your target. 

The last gherkin in the jar.

Frankly, it can be any food stuff that you share with your flatmates, but the deviousness of this first occurred to me when pickled cucumbers were concerned (I’m Latvian, you don’t get it). Eat the whole jar of them (as you do), but one. So the next person is left with the dilemma of wanting to have the last one, but not wanting to deal with the stuff left in the jar and disposing of it (it can be messy - again, you don’t understand). I personally hate this. If you can’t relate to this, imagine a handful of cereal left in the box – enough to make you crave some, not enough to fully enjoy the crispy ‘yumminess’. 

The ‘where the fuck is *my* hot water’.

Wait for your flatmate to boil the kettle for their tea. While they’re not around make a cuppa for yourself and top the kettle up with some cold water. And leave it. Better yet – while they’re occupied elsewhere, switch it off before it boils.

The gibberish.

 

While your friend is trying to tell you something keep making unintelligible string of sounds every time they open their mouth. I learned from the best (yeah, I'm talking about you, Ieva) – only when you perfect this skill yourself you can learn to cope with the extreme frustration you feel when you’re the victim of it.

The ‘yeah, you do’.

Whenever your friend talks about themselves respond to it with a simple ‘yeah, you do’ with a hint of ‘pervy’ in it. Nothing works better than a ‘yeah, you do’ that's out of context. Works best with the opposite sex. 

The 'misspoken/misheard' misunderstanding.

Deliberately ‘mishear’ something your friend says, then keep repeating it and laugh at them like it’s their mistake. It used to be a nightmare of mine.

The ‘I’ll replace it...again’.

Finish your friend’s jar of Nutella (we’re not doing euphemisms this week, drop it), say you’ll replace it. Buy a new jar of Nutella. Tell your friend you kept your word, and everybody is happy...Then finish the new jar as well and don’t say anything about it until your friend comes up to you with an empty jar (drop it) and a wordless ‘what the fuck?’. That literally just happened.

That’s enough of childish mischief for now.

Good night, peeps.