Food: Basics.

It's two shades of grey outside at the moment, and on days like this all I can think about is food. Food is delicious. Don't worry, I'll keep the tone nonsensical throughout.

Let's face it, from time to time things like this happen -

(Grammar is the least of the problems here.)

However,  most of the time I eat healthily (ish). So, here's a breakfast tutorial embellished with 'instagramic' crap -                                                           
                                      
'Breakfast food: Basics'.

Start your day with a cup of tea.
Take an Earl Grey tea bag.

 Bin it.

 Now make a cup of this healthy tea. Latvians do know a few things better.

If you like your tea sweet, I suggest brown sugar.

 Now put it back where it came from. You're not a child.

After having your cup of tea, it's time for some fresh fruit or veg.
Look in your fruit bowl (somehow I want to make this into a euphemism).

Pick something that looks edible.

 Eat the banana.

Wait a little while.

Oh, look - there's an avocado and a slice of gluten free bread.

Peel the avocado. Cut it in half. Put the halves on the slice of bread. Season with stuff. Like sea salt and whatnot.

If you're worried that it looks plain (I'm sure you're more worried about how it tastes...It's fucking delicious), here's a flower to 'pretty up' the presentation.

Do not eat the flower.

If you prefer garnish that's edible, here's a suggestion.

Enjoy!


More food blogging to come.


Happy Sunday!

Mara.

Petty tips: How to amuse yourself at someone else’s expense.

Today I ruined my friend’s sneeze, as weird as it sounds. What an achievement. No, of course not, but it was amusing. You know that moment, when someone is about to sneeze and they stop and stare into blank space anticipating the satisfying (yet risky in public) imaginary snot air balloon? Well, my friend was there, and I looked at her and simply said: ‘No’. It worked. She was not happy. I personally think it was well deserved; she sneezes very loudly, it scares me.

 

Anyway, I love these kinds of little everyday things and this made me think of other tricks that work well within the subtle art of annoying people you love.

Pretend yawns.

Simple but highly entertaining if you’re in a childish mood. For that one person who doesn’t know what ‘pretend yawns’ are – you pretend to yawn...and it is one of the laws of nature that people around you will have the urge to yawn as well. Repeat as many times as necessary to annoy your target. 

The last gherkin in the jar.

Frankly, it can be any food stuff that you share with your flatmates, but the deviousness of this first occurred to me when pickled cucumbers were concerned (I’m Latvian, you don’t get it). Eat the whole jar of them (as you do), but one. So the next person is left with the dilemma of wanting to have the last one, but not wanting to deal with the stuff left in the jar and disposing of it (it can be messy - again, you don’t understand). I personally hate this. If you can’t relate to this, imagine a handful of cereal left in the box – enough to make you crave some, not enough to fully enjoy the crispy ‘yumminess’. 

The ‘where the fuck is *my* hot water’.

Wait for your flatmate to boil the kettle for their tea. While they’re not around make a cuppa for yourself and top the kettle up with some cold water. And leave it. Better yet – while they’re occupied elsewhere, switch it off before it boils.

The gibberish.

 

While your friend is trying to tell you something keep making unintelligible string of sounds every time they open their mouth. I learned from the best (yeah, I'm talking about you, Ieva) – only when you perfect this skill yourself you can learn to cope with the extreme frustration you feel when you’re the victim of it.

The ‘yeah, you do’.

Whenever your friend talks about themselves respond to it with a simple ‘yeah, you do’ with a hint of ‘pervy’ in it. Nothing works better than a ‘yeah, you do’ that's out of context. Works best with the opposite sex. 

The 'misspoken/misheard' misunderstanding.

Deliberately ‘mishear’ something your friend says, then keep repeating it and laugh at them like it’s their mistake. It used to be a nightmare of mine.

The ‘I’ll replace it...again’.

Finish your friend’s jar of Nutella (we’re not doing euphemisms this week, drop it), say you’ll replace it. Buy a new jar of Nutella. Tell your friend you kept your word, and everybody is happy...Then finish the new jar as well and don’t say anything about it until your friend comes up to you with an empty jar (drop it) and a wordless ‘what the fuck?’. That literally just happened.

That’s enough of childish mischief for now.

Good night, peeps.

Things that mildly annoy and amuse me when working behind the bar.

For about two years now I’ve been doing bar work part-time and full-time and there are things some customers do that never cease to baffle and amuse me at the same time. I know, there are many of us who work or have worked in the catering industry and what I will talk about is probably nothing new to you. However..., why not put another post out there?  Just for fun. 

So here is a list of types of people that I would like to have an honest conversation with and ask some questions to. (It comes with a side dish of some irrelevant Parks and Recreation GIFs. You're welcome.)

The ‘that is so expensive’ and ‘how much?!’ people. Once and for all, I don’t make the decisions about the price of drinks in the bar. I do understand that you might be shocked about the amount of money you are about to spend on a pint of lager (because those are usually the ‘I don’t buy rounds’ people), but there is nothing I personally can do about it – so don’t give vent to your dissatisfaction at my expense.  

How do I make this sound less like a rant?

The 'look at me I have so much cash' people. These people quite often will just put all of their cash on the counter and then ask you to pick out the money for the drinks. All I want to ask is - do I look like a bird to you (is what she said)? Is this some kind of a 'feeding from the hand' scenario? Should I put my hand in your pocket and look for the money there? Count your own money.

The passive aggressive ‘can I order drinks??’ people. And by this I don’t mean the people who, I can tell, are being polite and that is their way of starting a conversation. The ‘can I order drinks??’ people are the ones who had to wait for five seconds for you to notice them and are now unhappy about it. Yes, you can order drinks. This is a bar. And you can also keep your pants on. 

Unless they’re on fire. You know – ‘liar, liar, pants on fire’? No?

Ok. 

The ‘recommend something to me’ people.  The issue with this is that they don’t even know whether they want beer or wine or a distilled ‘beverage’ (I find the word ‘beverage’ so strange that quotation marks seem necessary). Maybe narrow it down a bit? I recommend a *Taylor* swift decision.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes these people can be fun. And sometimes it’s busy and other customers are waiting. 

The ‘never respond to a “hello” from staff’ people. Hello. I. Am. Human. Acknowledge. My. Presence. Please. Oh, you’d like a drink now? Thank God! I was starting to worry I’m invisible. 

The ‘I’m waiting for my five pence change’ people. This is actually quite funny. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting your change back no matter how small it is. However, I always wonder about the level of awkwardness the customer feels when waiting for the few pennies, while it sometimes takes me a while to put through their order and give them the change.

The ‘conspicuous by trying to be casual’ loo visitors. Why not just say: ‘Hi, can I use your loo, please?’? Yes, you can. It’s not a crime. But it IS funny when you pretend to be interested in buying a drink. Or blatantly ignore everything on your way to the sacred throne. 

And lastly, people who joke about their drink being ‘on the house’.  Yes, I’ll pay for your drink even though your suit could pay for a few hundred of them.  You’re very funny. Also, now you’re probably the last person in the world to ever be considered for a ‘drink on the house’. 

There are, of course, more types of bar customers out there; these are just a few that I could remember on the spot. It used to really bug me to serve them, but now it’s kind of fun to recognise them on a busy night and smile at them no matter what. Nothing they can do if I’m being nice to them. Most of the people are nice anyway. Or super nice (if you know what I mean...Not that.) – a ‘thank you’ to those who leave a tip or get a drink for the bar staff. No one expects you to do that, so it is just very considerate...or drunk of you.

 

Also, I would like to use this platform to apologise to the guy that was the unfortunate victim of me accidentally saying ‘that will be sex twenty...umm, please’ instead of ‘six twenty’. It was probably obvious that your drink would not cost you sex and twenty pence on top of that. but still. I was distracted and if it makes you feel better – I think it was the first time in my life I blushed.

Hi, I'm Mara. I work out...sometimes. Because nothing tastes better than...abs? No, that just sounds wrong.

This New Year has not brought a change in my habits. And generic New Year’s resolutions like ‘to be happier’ is my everyday approach to life...since October. I wish I’d made a resolution to dish out less ‘that’s what she said’ jokes like I invented it, but it’s too late now. The only resolution I did make – to not use headphones when I’m out and traveling to somewhere – I cast aside after five days of success. What can I say, I like to listen to dub-step and imagine I’m a ‘badass who kicks ass’ and saves everyone in Hunger Games. In that universe ‘there is no Katniss, there is only Mara’. 

But back to the point, I didn’t promise myself to go to gym every day starting from the first of January, and I haven’t. I do work out regularly though - at least three times a week. I have a little routine worked out that I mix up from time to time and I have made friends with the people who work at my local gym. So, by now I feel like I know what I’m doing and my ‘resting bitch face’ ensures that no one approaches me with good intentions to point out what I’m doing wrong (is what I have decided would happen if I suddenly had an approachable expression).  Also, for those who try to look like they have everything under control, let me tell you this – no one is going to help you lift off those heavy weights from the leg press no matter how many passive aggressive looks you hand out for free in the gym carnival. You’re on your own. How’s that bicep working out for you? Do you even lift, bro? 

Excellent 'Google images' skills displayed here.

Anyway, I brought it on myself. I do love going to the gym. Even in January. Because everybody knows that January is every gym-goer’s nemesis. 'Why?', you ask. Well, you probably wouldn’t ask that because it is obvious. But I will tell you anyway. 
From the moment you walk in on the third or more likely fourth of January, you have to be prepared for three things. First of all, no one is getting on the treadmill today. Or tomorrow. I don’t know how the people who have occupied the considerable number of cardio machines got there, but you can forget about it. There are some turkey days to be erased. You can run, but you can’t escape your conscience (is what my sister would probably say). 

Secondly, you can forget about your little preplanned routine. You will take what is given to you. Kettle bells, odd weights of four and six kilograms and a mat with fresh sweat stains on it (because if, like most of us, you have a life – you don’t have your own personal gym mat with you). And you will be grateful. 

Finally, even the most well-meaning person by the end of January will have turned into a dickwad. Because that little thought of ‘run, you sneaky little hobbitses, you will be gone by February – then we will have our precious again’ comes to everyone eventually. And it is poison. 

But... 'they stole it from us’.

Stop it.  

Ranting is so 2014. None of this really matters actually. I am glad that people still try to be healthier. Whether it should be a New Year’s resolution or a genuine change in your attitude towards life, is a different issue. And tomorrow I will go to the gym and put on my weightlifting gloves and maybe not lift any weights, because I’m feeling rebellious or maybe I think it looks cool. Maybe I will do fuck all tomorrow. 

Naaah, I’ll probably go to the gym.