Nothing to do with wolves actually

I recently started reading 'Women Who Run With The Wolves' and it made me think (as any book should, no matter its actual merits, this or that - if you're 'whole' enough you can absorb, let's say, what is needed from the material and not focus on the small parts that you disagree with *that's what she said*) about my life as a grown-up, a woman, a girl, a girl-child that I used to be. 

So I looked at the album of my childhood pictures and had some retrospective epiphanies - my past self revealed what it had learnt a long time ago, but kept hidden. 

Before it is noted - yes, I've been regressing in a way recently, 'walked down the memory lane' way too often, used the word 'retrospect' too often and in general been too contemplative. It is necessary for self-reflection (a word that is incredibly overused; if I had Pinterest, it would be the only thing 'pinned' there and I would salute myself for being a complete dickhead), I tell ya'! 

Now, where were we?

Here's the defining moment that answers the question of why I'm fascinated with Gollum. 

Here is the photographic evidence of acceptance that sometimes you're just too little to get up on the tree with 'the big kids'. I'm walking away crying. 

The moment you realise that you'll never be the princess in any story - whether it's real or it's play-acting. I'd like to think I've come to terms with that. 

And, lastly, there will be days that your house is a mess and you don't want to get dressed in the morning or brush your hair. This child says: 'I ain't gettin' stuff done today. Deal with it.' Am I allowed to listen to my little self? 

I've succeeded in amusing myself. 

And will return with relevant thoughts about the book next time. 

Goodnight xx 

I once saw a UFO. I'm telling you.

I come from a family where everyone likes to ponder, philosophise and overanalyse most things and situations. Being incredibly, overly self-reflective has its benefits; but more often it is tiresome and quite egotistic. Hence, I won't be analysing stuff too much here, this time.

So, here's a blog post about things (better - random memories) that strangely stick in your mind for no apparent reason (but I'm sure I could figure it out, if I wanted to prove that I know everything and reveal my secret life as an amateur psychologist).

1. Once when I was a kid and my dad was driving us somewhere in the city I freaked out because I thought he might accidentally hit a pigeon. To which my dad responded: 'Have you ever seen a pigeon hit by a car?' This really calmed me down - I hadn't, indeed, seen a pigeon hit by a car. I continued to live my life in blissful ignorance and all was well...until the day I saw a pigeon on the road, flattened into a crispy disk of sundried flesh and feathers. City life happened to it. And these are the defining moments in a child's life when s/he learns that parents aren't always right. I'm still waiting for the right moment to remind my dad what he once said and what is the 'harsh reality'.

Here's a slightly irrelevant, illustrative photo of a dead pigeon I once had an honour to take:

Right, moving on.

2. My sister once told me she'd seen a UFO, and this had such an effect on me that I became conviced that it was me it had happened to and unconsciously usurped her 'memory', for a period of time retelling it as my own. But, if I remember correctly, I also added stylistic elements of a Zeppelin to my descriptions of this aircraft; at least, that's how I remember it.

3. You do not want to be the last one in the procession of kids riding bikes through the 'Hanging Hill'. Fuck that. I still wouldn't go there on my own. If I've learnt anything in my adult years it is - don't be arrogant in your 'rationality' - weird* stuff happens; and in the movies the 'rational' character dies first.

4. Once in primary school a boy in my class told everyone about this man who was walking down the stairs and poking his nose, and when he tripped he poked his eye out through his nose (poppycock). It fundamentally changed my world view (possible pun...?) at the time. As a child who possibly might have done it from time to time, I realised that the world was not always a safe place.


This will probably need to be updated and reviewed at some point later. Although, I think you got the gist.

I bid you adieu.

Mara

*To keep it simple.

Contradict yourself

Most of the time most of us don't know what we're saying; it is like Tetris - you scramble for the next word that will fit after what you've just said and you might be lucky..., but you might also fail. However, never fear...Because no one will notice it.

Sometimes I read what I've written and think to myself: 'What did I mean?' I often don't remember it; I'm just impressed by my decent skill to 'make' a sentence. And sometimes, when the grammar 'matches the curtains' (yes, I know it doesn't make sense), I think: 'Fucking hell! I can write something. And sometimes people even get it.'

Learn from my mistakes - don't be self-deprecating, children. 

Love, learn, change and contradict yourself everyday, because otherwise you won't grow. There are only a few principles you should stick to and they are simple and always good for you and the people around you. Everything else is balderdash.

Have a lovely day x 

Elbows.

You know you're a grown-up when you start to moisturise your elbows.

Then and now: The Two Towers. (I'd personally prefer 'The Return of the King')

I'm here. Now what? 

It is an adventure - as trivial as that. The most important thing is to not look back. Don't walk back in your footsteps. Say 'thank you' and have amazing memories, but never compare present to past. I guess it is like that with everything, not just moving to another country and whatnot. 

I am conscious of the fact that I stand out like a sore thumb here. Or, perhaps, I'm simply paranoid.

My jokes have left me and, instead of it being a sad state of affairs, it is funny in itself. It is a tragicomedy and it is intrinsic to these kinds of changes - changes that supposedly have nothing tragic about them, but they come along with a lot of melodrama. 

However, it doesn't mean that the emotions and words uttered at the time are not genuine. 

Retrospect is a cynical bitch. Don't listen to it. 'Now' is your bestie. 

***

Once you open up and dare to stop trying to be a perfectly balanced and reasonable human being, life becomes simple (as awkward as this sentence is, it is exactly what I wanted to say). 

So, now I sit here with my ego and we're both eating icecream, and then it will go and hang out somewhere else and leave me alone for a while. And it is a good state of affairs. Balance is not control; it is knowing that wherever you are, you are your own moral compass, or rather - safe place.

Yada yada yada.

I googled what 'yada' means. Go for it.

***

I will go and get a job now. 

Maybe eat another carrot. 

And then think about whether I should start collecting plastic bags. Like mums do. Maybe that is 'why mums go to Iceland'? You see, no one will get this 'joke' here, back in Latvia. It doesn't matter that it is not funny, at least it could have been understood and not laughed at. There is some comfort in it. 

Moving country plus lunar eclipse, plus it being a Monday is a mix equivalent to a Long Island Iced Tea; you are lucky that vomit is not involved (but I think I got that on credit yesterday when that child on the train vomited on my bag). 

I only added this photo of a world map because someone has put a sticker on Russia that resembles a 'wife-beater'. 

Farewell.

Skaidri un gaiši - par bēgļiem un mēdijiem.

Lai izvairītos no gara Facebook ieraksta, vēlos izteikties uz šīs platformas. 

Daļai cilvēku patīk ģeneralizēt noteiktas rakstura īpašības un uzvedību un piešķirt tās noteiktām ādas krāsām, seksuālām orientācijām un nacionalitātēm. Tas viss, protams, lai saliktu sev apkārtējo pasauli glīti plauktiņos, tā segregējot cilvēkus - 'viņi' un 'mēs'. Mēdiji to ļoti labi prot propogandēt.

Diskriminācija un rasisms kā termini, šķiet, ka tikai var tikt lietoti, ja apvainotais ir 'labs' cilvēks, priekšzīmīgs cilvēks, kluss cilvēks, kurš, galvu nodūris, aiz pateicības būs gatavs ceļos krist. 'Vot' tas cilvēks tad laikam ir 'nopelnījis' Tavu viedo, paštaisno, palīdzīgo roku. Tikko kaut viens no 'viņiem' (kā mums tīk domāt) uzvedās 'ne tā', tad visi tiek grūsti tajā paša bedrē - 'paskaties, kā šie tur visu apspēra, izārdīja, mežoņi! Mums tādus nevajag.' 

Visur ir pa nelietim, bet, ja norakstīsim tam apkārtesošos cilvēkus, tad sasniegsim paštaisnuma un nenovīdības kalngalus.

Kamēr neesam pazinuši īstas bailes un izmisumu, varbūt ir vērts pārdomāt lietas. 

Un es droši varu teikt, ka neapskaužu bēgļa iPhone 6, jo mana ģimene ir drošībā un mani kaimiņi nemirst pa labi un pa kreisi. Man arī nav jāpaļaujas uz labdarību un jāraizējas, ka mani sūtīs atpakaļ uz vietu, kur, pilnīgi iespējams, esmu nolemta drīzai nāvei. 

Ja arguments ir 'vispirms parūpējamies par saviem', tad, labi - parūpējies 'par saviem' vismaz,...līdz šim gan neesmu redzējusi no lielajām balamutēm lielu atsaucību palīdzēšanā kaimiņiem, ziedošanā vai iesaistīšanos projektos. 

Cilvēki, kuriem patiešām ir grūti, nesūdzas - viņi cenšas izdzīvot.

Un, pirms zākājam savu valsti, atceramies, ka tie, kas darbojas politikā, arī nāk no mūsu pašu vidus. Ja, kaut kas neapmierina - ej, darbojies un maini lietas, nevis pasīvi-agresīvi sūksties. Mums vismaz ir brīvība. Nenovērtē to par zemu. 

Ja vēlies būt 'labs' (šis koncepts gan ir relatīvs un mulsinošs), tad nešķiro cilvēkus, negaidi neko pretī un esi pateicīgs, ka esi 'palīdzētāja' lomā, nevis lūdzēja.

 

Viss sākas ar attieksmi.

Sprīdītis un brīnumdaris

Pasauli neredzējis, mājas nenovērtēsi; arī pasauli nesapratīsi. Un kas tad ir 'pasaule'? 'Pa-saule' - tepat, jebkur 'zem' saules. Es esmu. 

Aj, kā man patīk mācīties.

Katru dienu un priecāties par to,

ko Tu man nes -

tāda mana iekšējā projekcija vien esi. 

Un, kad piktojies, es saprotu, 

kāpēc to dari, 

un vairs nesāp.

Brīnumdaris Tu esi un es arī.